Most couples who experience a lack of connection turn to therapy as a potential solution. Therapy isn’t the only solution available, though, and one that works quite differently than for quite different reasons. By reviewing the differences between intimacy coaching and therapy, you can determine which path might be best for you and your relationship.
How Each Defines the Problem
Therapy generally begins with a medical model. Therapists look for diagnoses and pathologies to “treat” people, approaching problems as conditions that need fixing. There is a focus on what’s wrong and how to fix the cause of the distress. Often, therapists engage in dialogue about trauma or childhood or discussing psychological features that might underlie the current challenges.
Coaching starts from an entirely different premise. Coaching assumes you are healthy but stuck or lacking certain skills. Instead of a diagnosis, coaching involves identifying a goal and building capacity. Coaching focuses on where you want to go, not necessarily what went wrong. For couples who struggle with physical or emotional connection, intimacy coaching provides you with the tools and framework to develop the capacity to create the desired level of connection, communication, desire, and dynamic in the relationship you envision.
This difference might not seem significant; it is. Approaching connection challenges as “pathologies” that need to be treated is entirely different than approaching your issue as one of lacking skill.
The Scope of Credentials
Therapists do the heavy lifting when it comes to training, usually getting a master’s or a doctorate-level education in psychology, social work, or counseling. They are also licensed by the State in which they practice, which involves thousands of hours of supervised clinical experience.
Licensed therapists are also required to get continuing education credits to renew their licenses. This long training process prepares therapists to treat conditions like mental health issues, traumas, and psychological conditions.
Coaches come from diverse educational backgrounds. Some have coaching certifications through coaching organizations, while others’ coaching certifications might come from schooling in related fields like counseling, teaching, or relationship research. Coaching training focuses on skills like facilitation, communication skills, goal setting, and behavior change, not treatment and diagnosis. Most intimacy coaches have training in other areas, like somatic work, sexuality, or relationship dynamics.
Neither set of credentials is better than the other. Therapists are trained in the treatment of psychological disorders, while coaches are trained in behavior change.
What Happens in Sessions
Therapy sessions involve a lot of processing emotions, feelings, and tendencies. A couple’s therapist may spend weeks working with you on how your family of origin created your challenges or in processing your feelings about the resentment that built up over years of misunderstanding each other or unmet needs. The pace might feel slow because trauma processing takes time.
Coaching sessions are more action-oriented. You can come with an issue to work through, learn a new communication exercise, and practice it in the session. Coaches assign homework and check in on your progress between sessions. In coaching, you are likely to have more homework to “score” toward mastering a new skill than processing trauma.
It’s in this area that coaching and therapy become relevant to couples who need help rebuilding their relationships. Couples may benefit from therapy to process and heal attachment injuries before moving into coaching to practice the skills needed to restore their connection.
The Role of Insurance
Most therapy forms are likely to be covered by health insurance, making these services financially accessible to most of those who need them. This relationship usually requires therapists to give clients a mental health diagnosis if they want to bill insurance for their work. This requirement means that there are usually records kept on therapists’ files about their patients. While this exchange might feel comfortable to some individuals, it is not ideal for all.
Coaching is very unlikely to be covered by insurance as it is not seen as a form of medical intervention. Clients pay out of their own pocket for coaching services. The fees for coaching services vary from $100 to $300+ per session based on the experience level of the coach and the geographical location. Insurance seems like a good deal for therapy services; however, there might be upsides to paying out of pocket regarding coaching without the need for a diagnosis and without any medical records documenting your sessions.
This procedural element means that coaching is accessible for those who might not want an official record of their issues kept but also means that coaching operates outside of medical models and systems.
Time Frames
When thinking about therapist practices, therapy typically occurs over a long period, months, or even years. Therapists work with clients to overcome psychological challenges that often developed over many years. Many therapists don’t place specific endpoints on their work with clients; they allow the work to happen until the client has achieved what they need within the therapeutic environment. While this approach makes sense within the psychological context, it can be frustrating if you’re looking for rapid improvement to your relationship.
Coaching generally occurs within shorter time frames with specific endpoints for completion. For example, coaches might structure their coaching around packages for a set amount of time instead of an indefinite number of sessions week after week. You might work together for three months or six months, establishing specific goals within that period and working toward them as a couple.
Both time frames have pros and cons. Healing wounds from psychological distress takes time. Traditional therapy models can be useful when established properly by qualified practitioners. Skill-building can happen much more quickly when focused correctly, though.
When Each Should be Used
If you and your partner struggle with mental health conditions or issues related to psychological constructs, therapy might be the best intervention to begin your journey together. Conditions like PTSD or depression should be treated clinically, and therapy is best suited to do this while also taking the time to understand how these conditions impact interpersonal relationships.
If you are generally healthy but may need coaching in certain areas or if you feel “stuck” in certain habits that you want to avoid, then coaching makes sense as the first step for couples to take towards improvement.
Some situations undoubtedly require therapy. Couples struggling with conditions like addiction or serious mental health issues like personality disorders or antisocial behavior might benefit from coaching but should look at coaching as an intervention only in conjunction with other needed therapies.
The Middle Ground
There are many practitioners who blend these two interventions into one service. Some licensed therapists acknowledge that parts of their backgrounds come from coaching organizations. They offer both services to their clients in conjunction with each other, while others may have blended their skills over the years but mainly identify themselves as coaches now. The lines don’t have to be rigidly placed where professional organizations say they should be.
If you are unsure whether intimacy coaching will be beneficial, it might be helpful for you as a couple to return to thinking of difficulties your relationship faces versus relationship-based challenges from one of the partners or one partner towards another partner?
Pay attention to how you especially struggle within certain areas; the class names/classes like Coaching 101 might indicate classes that outline certain gaps you might want filled, or what might be evaluated within coaching sessions could potentially be evaluated within contexts or friend groups in other classes you’ve attended where you felt empowered around your partner.
Decision-Making Suggestions
Consider all these when choosing whether intimacy coaching is best for you. Start a re-evaluation of your relationship before leaving the therapeutic model behind completely.
If you enjoy the process and feel well suited for this intervention model it might be useful to fill gaps in your relationship with your partner not just regarding intimacy towards another but other areas.
If you want to assess honesty levels, please make sure there is an equal effort put forth throughout your relationship balance by putting emphasis and efforts towards ensuring equal effort is displayed immediately when going back into another therapeutic model after engaging in intimacy coaching?
An initial single session with a therapist or coach practitioner can typically determine at least the first few steps when starting to attempt to save/improve your relationship towards potential improvements; however, both potentially require months of sessions evaluating potential areas where deficiencies might exist within the individuals themselves rather than putting blame upon their partners not placing effort towards the relationship as equally as they might place towards their partners?
Neither should feel negligent entering either intervention as situations can occur where the evaluator may be placed where they first walk into the room, either watching as they commit to addressing challenges? deficiencies? trying to overcome an innate nature/impulse?
For couples reflecting on relationship satisfaction and long-term fulfillment, exploring broader conversations about partnership and happiness can also be helpful. You may find this article insightful: Are Unmarried Women Happier?
Both improve romantic relationships positively.
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